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11 things that happen at every Irish christening
1. Firstly, the baby in question is forced to wear a big white gown. As if he or she is getting married.
Baby: “Why am I wearing a white dress and a shawl? Why aren’t I wearing a bib and chewing on a toy giraffe?”
2. People clamour to have a ‘go’ of the baby before the Mass and say things like, “Oh, doesn’t he/she look like a little angel?”
3. Before quietly taking bets on whether or not the child cries at the altar
“Tenner says he cries.”
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4. The godparents have a momentary freak-out about what their responsibilities actually entail
“Shite, do I have to oversee this child’s religious education or something now?”
“No, you just have to make sure to always get them a decent birthday present. That’s it.”
“Okay, phew.”
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5. If there are other families having their children christened at the same ceremony, you’ll size them up
Baby Tadhg Alexander Fitzgerald-Mooney thinks he’s better than our baby, does he? Well we’ll show him.
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6. (And yes, you’ll judge their names)
No shame ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
7. At some point during the service, a child will cry and you’ll snigger to yourself
Anyone making a noise during Mass = always funny.
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8. Someone will attempt to take a photo of ~the big moment~ and forget their flash is on
Subtle, lads. Real subtle.
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9. Afterwards, everyone will gather around the baby to say, “Oh, wasn’t he very good?” and “Not a peep out of him!”
Meanwhile the baby’s like, “LIBERATE ME FROM THIS GOWN, MOTHER.”
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10. Cut to the awkward windswept photoshoot outside the church
This will go on for approximately 45 minutes. There will be a decent gale blowing to ensure that everyone is squinting in the photos.
11. And then it’s off to the pub!
Because how else do you mark a baby becoming a child of God? With pints, of course.
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christening Craic son of god